Sunday, 25 April 2010

On the Nature of Fear...

 What scares you?

For some people, spiders are terrifying.  For others, clowns, or heights, will make them go weak at the knees.  Me, I'm scared of everything.  Honestly, I am.  I'm scared of the dark.

My house backs onto a field.  There are no lights in my garden and I absolutely will not go down there at night.

I'm scared of spiders.  I'm scared of needles and blood.  I'm scared of being burnt in a fire.  I'm scared of violence.  I'm scared of snakes.  I'm scared of cockroaches.  I'm scared of drowning.  And more.

I've held spiders.  I've got two tattoos, and been pierced in 8 different locations on my body.  There  was blood galore.  I'm fascinated by fire and have spent many happy nights burning my fingers and singeing my eyebrows.  I was always fighting at school.  I've held snakes.  And cockroaches.  I've learned to swim, swam half a mile (64 lengths in an Olympic sized pool) been white water rafting, been in a sinking ship simulator (in the Royal Navy; it was very realistic), and more.

The things I am afraid of... all of them, every single one without fail, have never been as bad as the feeling of fear itself.  When my tongue sticks to the roof of my mouth and my heart rate speeds up, when I feel thirsty and sick and my guts squirm.  When I just wish I was dead and buried in a hole. 

I hate that feeling. 

But there comes a moment when whatever you are afraid of becomes inevitable.  I've always found that in that moment my fear disappears.  The adrenalin surges through my body, and I feel more alive than at any other time.  That instant, that bit of my life when I am utterly fearless and feel immortal, is the best feeling I have ever had.

Yes, I'm a coward.  And an adrenalin junkie.

I was at college last week, doing work for radio.  I had to ask people if they would answer one question: should the college do more recycling.  I couldn't do it.  I was terrified. It nearly killed me.

The very next day I saw a job ad and applied.  I was granted an immediate interview and offered the job then and there.  Tomorrow is my first day.  From tomorrow I will be going door to door trying to convince people to give me money.

I hate talking to people I don't know. 
I'm not only going to be talking to them, I'm going to be asking them to give me cash.  In a recession. 

I'm loving it already.

What are you afraid of?

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